The Parent’s Toolbox

By Gail Troussoff Marks, Silver Stars Gymnastics

Wouldn’t it be nice if along with all the new baby literature, new parents received a “Parent’s Toolbox”?   This “toolbox” would contain tools and strategies to help you become the parent whose child grows into a thoughtful, caring and self-sufficient adult. If only the contents of such a “toolbox” could be found at Home Depot!  Alas, the contents of the “toolbox” are much more ephemeral things like patience, flexibility, understanding, tolerance, consistency, discipline, and humor - to name just a few.  Regrettably, I haven’t found a store that sells any of these products.  In fact, they aren’t even available on eBay.

Parents wish that their babies could arrive packaged with instruction manuals.  Instead, parents have to chart their own course through parenting by combining their own knowledge with reading the myriad of parenting and child development books and with advice coming from friends, family and society. Having a “toolbox” is important because parents are always facing new challenges. What worked in one situation may not work in another, so flexibility and new strategies are needed. Parenting is a constant dance between being an advocate for your child and knowing when to hold your tongue and step back. When your child listens to the teacher’s directions when they have been ignoring you, their parent, it can be exasperating.  However, some life lessons are learned more efficiently from others, and it is a parenting skill to let others help out at appropriate times.

As parents we are asked to meet the physical and emotional needs of our children while moving them toward the time that they no longer depend on us. Providing the creature comforts of food, clothing, and shelter are straightforward.  Children also need to learn to move efficiently and regulate themselves. Movement classes, such as gymnastics, and continuing exercise and sports involvement through the years addresses other physical needs. Meeting the emotional needs of yur child is more complex. This is the area where intuition and understanding help you discover your child’s temperament.  Finding out how your child and your personality work together takes patience. Listen to your child. When given a chance, your child may be able to understand and communicate more than you realize. Respecting your child and listening to them does not mean that you have to agree with them or let them do anything they want. Listening does not compromise your parental authority. The end goal of helping your child develop into a thinking adult may require flexibility and tolerance of individual differences.

Creating a structure and framework for your child along with clear expectations gives a child a way to put order in their world.  Consistency is a parenting virtue. I used to think of consistency as always responding in the same way and keeping the same schedule. Now, I think of it as maintaining a consistent ethic and moral response and simply being a presence that is always there for your child. Keeping a set schedule is a wonderful goal that I rarely achieve. A schedule creates predictability that comforts children but the world is not predictable, so adding flexibility and teaching ways to adapt to change is a valuable lesson.
For instance, attending a weekly gymnastics class creates a routine, but activities within the class change weekly, so children get a mix of new experiences set in familiar surroundings.

Humility, humor, and acceptance are needed in your ‘toolbox”.  No matter how hard we try, life is not easy or fair.  We are all less than perfect parents and even the best kids are less than perfect. Mistakes are going to be made. Your success as a parent is measured more accurately by the way you handle the mistakes rather than how many mistakes you make. Objectivity and self-awareness is extremely valuable and these qualities are hard to measure in yourself and difficult to develop. This is the ability to step back for a minute and regroup. You may find that your response has more to do with your own issues rather than those of your child and that perspective may change how you handle a situation. Parenting is a work in progress and as parents grow they should use and add to their “Toolbox” often.